Thursday, April 22, 2010

From Formspring: If they made a live action remake of The Brave Little Toaster, who would you cast in the lead roles? And as who?

Good question.

I've put a lot of thought into this, and decided this would be a digitally animated picture, somewhere in the league of Toy Story or Wal-E. So, really all we have to cast are the voices. To that end, I humbly offer the following casting choices:

The Brave Little Toaster - Bobcat Goldthwait, though he'd have to start doing cocain again.
Donkey Moses - Ice-T. He has donkey acting experience. Also, I heard somewhere he's Jewish. I'm pretty sure that isn't true but...it's funnier if I pretend it is.
Hitler - Gary Burghoff. I think he's due.
RoboShark 3000 - Gary Busey. Don't question me on this.
Refrigerator Perry - As himself, though actually a refrigerator. Which, to my understanding, he is not in real life. It was just a nickname...which doesn't make any sense, because I've never known refrigerator's to be very good at basketball. He played what? Football? Whatever, I don't care. He has a funny nickname so we're using him.
Father Pickle - Glenn Danzig. I don't want to get sued by Veggie Tales for this, so I'm casting the exact opposite of someone they'd ever cast to voice a Christian cucumber.
Toobie, the Stuttering Pedophile - Orson Wells. I don't care if he's dead, just splice shit together from Citizen Kane!
Napoleon Dynamite - Jon Heder. Why is he even in this movie? Because Tiamat wills it, that's why! Who are you to defy Tiamat? Nobody, that's who. Now sit down and read the rest of the blog!
Corky the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Baby Cyborg - Toby Keith. I figure he is qualified for this, since he actually has fetal alcohol syndrome. Not sure about the cyborg part, but I hear he's made some movies so...we all know he can act. I mean, they don't just let any stupid jackass star in a movie, do they?
Megatron - Frank Welker. As it should always fucking be.
Rape Duck - We don't need an actor for Rape Duck, just a dubbed quack from an actual duck. It might be more authentic if we find a duck who has actually attempted to rape someone.
Mamma Bes - That lady from What's Happening? I don't remember her name and I'm too lazy to look it up on IMDB.
Teddy Roosevelt - We'd just use a computer voice for this one, because that is actually how he sounded. Not many people know this, but Teddy was a robot. Prove he wasn't. I dare you.