Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Guns vs. Monsters Repost

The attached blog was originally posted on my old Myspace blog, 8/20/2009. It was part of my series of blogs about firearm selection against monsters. It was the last one, though I've been asked to do more. It's about demons. Note: this blog is purely for entertainment purposes. I do NOT believe in demons, so I am NOT encouraging anyone to stockpile weapons and go demon hunting. That would be...that would be just so stupid.

Tonight, we discuss demons...

You've got a problem, and it isn't a small one. For one reason or another, you have decided to fight demons. I don't know if you are crazy, stupid, brave or all three...

Demons range in size and power so we'll have to adapt some general categories:

Imp class: About the size and weight of a monkey, these demons aren't very powerful, but they are fast and mean. They rely heavily on guile and speed, and are often found in the service of more powerful demons or other monsters. When they serve humans, generally they try to pull the strings of their master to seduce them towards greater evil. Typical powers include shape-shifting (into small animals like cats and dogs), invisibility, flight (w/ wings), venomous or diseased bit, and a few other.. Though physically weak, they can be savage enemies in a fight. Imagine getting into a fight with a spider monkey. You'd probably win, but the monkey would bite the shit out of you.

Gargoyle class: This is the basic, run-of-the mill demon. They are roughly human sized, give or take a foot, but weigh considerably more. They are very powerful, but most of their strength lies in sheer brute force. They don't normally have as many powers are other demons, but they make up for it with a willingness to use human weapons, from swords and axes to firearms. They can sometimes shape-shift into a human. Some can remain motionless for days at a time, causing people to think they are statues. If they have wings, they can fly. This is the most common demon.

Balrog class: These are the big boys. They are over 12 feet tall and outweigh humans by a ton or more. Though unbelievably strong and durable, they tend to have powers in addition to brute smashing/slashing power. They are usually the leaders among demons, for no other reason than they are bigger. Though many of them are intelligent, there are several who are little more than marauding beasts. Powers include energy manipulation/generation (usually fire), teleportation, and (if they have wings) flight. Most of them can take a human form, though the don't like to. They will sometimes be encountered with lesser demons, usually a few dozen gargoyle class demons.

Azezel class: These demons don't have a physical form in our world. They must possess a human (or animal) body to survive. The possessed one is called a host. The results of this possession vary, but in general they are able to hide out and pretend to be that person. Usually when possessing a body, they invest it with some of their power. The possessed body becomes stronger and harder to kill. If the host is killed, the demon has to find a new body. They are not particular about hosts, so long as it aides their end. Powers include telekinesis, illusions, summoning vermin (in swarms) and climbing walls. Killing the host expels the demon, but it can posess someone else...though it has a limited amount of time to do so before it is destroyed or forced from this plane. 

Pazuzu subclass: A variant of the azezel class, this is a demon that posesses a body for no other reason than to torment the host or people who care about the host. Unlike the azazel class demon, for the pazuzu class demon possession is the end, not the means. They enjoy disfiguring their host, and using their powers to irritate others--making them very annoying. They tend to start out slow with the pranks and such, gradually increasing their activity until they become violent. At this stage, they are very dangerous. Killing the host usually solves the problem, but this generally isn't a desirable end. Unlike Azezel class demons, more than one Pazuzu can possess a single host. This is called the Legion Effect. It is not common, as it requires demons to cooperate towards a single end: something they aren't very good at by their nature.

Demogorgon class: Forget about it! These are HUGE demons, like T-rex size or BIGGER. They are roving Armageddons...they eat cities and shit apocalypse. These demons don't usually come to our plane unless they have a DAMN bad reason. These guys go toe-to-toe with dragons and gods. Powers include a million and one ways to fuck you up beyond recognition. The only gun I'd recommend against THIS kind of demon is a one with a barrel you can fit into your mouth.


Demons are NASTY monsters. They live for blood, mayhem and chaos. They don't have to kill to feed like vampires or zombies, and they aren't mindless animals like werewolves. They kill and torture for fun. They like it, its in their nature. They may have lofty goals and aspirations, but at every demon's core is a desire to kill. If you find yourself in a fight with one--whether because you've challenged them or they've attacked you--you are now in a fight for your life against a monster that will do anything to win. They will torture school children to lure you out of hiding, rip through a bus-load of people to get to you, strap c-4 to a baby and throw it into a playground full of cancer-stricken children as a distraction, use senior citizens as meat shields, kick kittens with impunity...the worst shit you can think of (and a lot of stuff you can't), nothing is too vile or inhumane for a demon.

This article will primarily discuss gargoyle and balrog class demons. Azazel and pazuzu class demons are vulnerable to whatever kills a human or animal of the same size. Imp class demons aren't usually very tough...the hard part is hitting them. It matters less what you shoot them with.

When dealing with any class above imps, fast and heavy damage is the order of the day. Demons don't have the same physical limitations as humans. They have powerful bodies with dense flesh. They do not fall over from a gut shot and whine for an ambulance...unless they are trying to trick you into getting closer so they can snap off your head.

Massive damage from a firearm can be accomplished in a number of ways. The most common (and, in most people's opinion, fun) manner of doing this a wave of automatic weapon fire. You can also use a big enough round to make a huge hole, or use an explosive. Submachineguns aren't going to cut it...the lighter handgun rounds these weapons use are just going to bounce off the demon like pebbles. They might sting the demon...and you don't want to sting a demon without being able to kill it.

You need a round that has been proven effective against armored enemies, but armor piercing rounds tend to over-penetrate, doing very little damage compared to soft or hollow point rounds. So, you need a healthy balance. This is where I would LOVE to suggest one of my favorite rifles of all time, the M14...





...but I won't. Yes, the 7.62x51mm (aka .308 Winchester) is the preferred round for small-arm demon fighting...but the M14 is big and unwieldy. Unless you're willing to modify your M14 with a synthetic, collapsible stock (commercially available) the big classic rifle isn't going to be a good choice.

Enter the FN-SCAR-H..





Holy shit...coolest rifle ever! It comes in more than one caliber, but as far as I'm concerned once you've chambered something in 7.62x51 you'd might as well just leave the others on the rack. The stock is adjustable, and it can fold for easy carrying:






In addition to packing an ass-whomping round, this incredible rifle can be outfitted with a specially made grenade launcher:




Behold, the FN SCAR-H in all its ass-whomping bad-assitude!

The SORD tactical agents in my book series carry these...without the grenade launchers, usually.

So, against demons this is the way to go. It has the rapid fire capabilities, heavy round stopping power, and the ability to launch grenades.

You're going to need a handgun. Why? Sometimes you need a backup weapon. Other times, you want to shoot a demon up close where a rifle isn't practical. Sometimes...you just run out of rifle rounds and have to fall back on the handgun.

Think back to the article about werebeasts. You're going to need something capable of killing a demon hard and fast. You'll also want something small enough to carry around. on your belt or hip.

Behold, the Super Redhawk Alaskan in .454 Casull




This is a bear gun. It was designed for use by Alaskan river fishers, who frequently share the water with big kodiak bears. The bears usually don't mind sharing the water, and attacks are infrequent. However, no one wants to be that close to one of nature's oldest killing machines without some kind of protection. Since bears are FAST, the weapon of choice for dealing with one has to be small enough to carry comfortably but powerful enough to kill it with one hit.

This will not be your primary defense against the demon. You will have to get close to use it--too close. It is a last resort. A revolver is fine for this, since you don't need to be able to reload your backup weapon quickly. As I said, you won't be depending on this until the last minute, or to finish off a downed enemy. It packs a lot of recoil, and with the short barrel and short sight radius it won't be very accurate out past a dozen yards. But it will kill a kodiak bear...so it'll probably kill a demon up to gargoyle class...maybe a balrog.

That's how you kill a demon.