Saturday, May 1, 2010

From Formspring: Assorted Questions

Each question below is one that was actually asked of me on my Formspring account. Most of them are silly, some of them are offensive (you've been warned). All of them are funny. Well, most of them, anyway. In almost all cases, the question was asked anonymously, but I can usually approximate who asked by the nature of the query.

Again: some of these are offensive, most of them are tasteless, and a few of them have profanity or sexual content. I have some very unusual friends so, you've been warned (again).

Questions are in italics. Answers are bold.

What can happen If i put a nuvaring in my mouth? Pregnancy.

Is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex if you have a tampon inserted in your vagina? I don't have a vagina so I couldn't get pregnant anyway.

Why does my son's computer read "" after he is done with his homework. It keeps asking me for a this a homework site or something? Yes. Yes it is. Also, tell your son he owes me BIG.

Of all your friends and family, who among them do you think would go cannibal first? My brother Joe--also the one who asked this question. I think he's just waiting for an excuse to eat people.

If you were still active and self aware after you had been murdered (i.e. a ghost) and you learned that your family had forgiven your murderer and were even on speaking/friendly terms with them, how would you feel? It depends on if they knew he'd murdered me or not.

If Stephen Hawking is so smart then why can't he walk or talk? Most toddlers can even do that. How do you know he can't?

What's your problem pal? I love too much.

When you're coming up with new ideas/stories, what do you find to be the biggest or most frequent distractions? Answering Formspring questions.

Why does all the scat porn seem to come from Brazil? Does it? I honestly wasn't aware...and didn't care.

So what? So what? It's our problem to learn to live with. Destroy us or make us saints. We don't care, it's not our fault that we were born too late. A screaming headache on the brow of the State, killing time is appropriate to make a mess and fuck all the rest we say...we say...SO WHAT?

Have you heard the word? You know the one about the awareness of a certain avian presence?

Yeah. I heard.

If you had to be stuck in one awful B-movie for the rest of eternity which one would it be? I know which one it wouldn't be: Megapirana. Those motherfuckers were HORRIFYING!!!

And that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.

If a guy married the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) they could only marry one half right? I...guess?

What if a guy was married to one half of the two headed girl (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) but smacked the other half on the face? Would that still count as spousal abuse since he isn't married to that half? That would depend largely on the City and State of residence.

If a guy was married to half of the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) wouldn't he be committing adultery every time he slept with his own wife since they share a vagina? don't really know if I'm qualified to judge...

Since they share a vagina and clitoris is it considered incest whenever the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) masturbate? Um...I don't rightly know...

If one half of the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) kisses the other half is that considered incest or masturbation? Can't it be both? Why are you so interested in this?

If the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) were president could one half be vice president and the other half be the actual president? That's something you're really going to have to ask an attorney or political scientist.

If the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) were captain of a ship, wouldn't that be an exception to the rule: "You can't sail a ship with two captains"?  Uh...

Okay, this is getting stupid. There are literally forty questions in my Formspring about the two-headed woman. The best are as follows:

If a man had a threesome with the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) while having relations with another single headed woman, would that still be a threesome or would it be a foursome? 

If 1/2 of the two headed woman (Abigail &Brittany Hensel) won the WWE & the other 1/2 didn't (b/c they didn't actually sign up or something) would they still both be considered wrestling champions since they only have the 1 waist to put the giant belt on?

If 1/2 of the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) was wanted for a crime & was standing on the border of non-extradition country but the other half was on the other side of the border, could they still arrest the 'criminal' half?

If the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) goes to the movies shouldn't she have to pay for two tickets? If not then would one half need to wear a blindfold?

If the two headed woman (Abigail and Brittany Hensel) time traveled back to the Salem witch trials and was accused of witchcraft and one half confessed and the other didn't, would she still be executed? 

Yeah, so that happened. No more questions about girls with two heads...I have a feeling that was where the multiple-headed dragon questions were, going...

If you could build a robot to continually do just one task in your life, what would it be? Oh, and what would your ideal robot look like? It would look like Scarlett Johansson. And what I would make it do is between me and my Scarlett Johansson-bot.

Why is nature so stupid? Don't blame nature for making you barren. It was all the crystal meth you plugged as a kid. That'll learn you!

Could you explain the difference between relativistic morals and situational morals? Yeah, I could.

jhnakjcfkjsfmckasjfxm;adi;adsflkxac.anv.lzjkxn.xkjlch;glhz.nkxln.klzndflzksdfhlkn.lkbn.kjbkjbkjhgkjhanlfkjsflhdsaacflnsdfcsdfkauysetfiaw7694wa94786b09876b8769876(*&^(*&^*^&V987bt876&*^%(^&%B97tfjnhngh865v(*^%T*O&^NB(*&YBn87^*(&^(^(*B?????? More than likely, the two chemicals would cancel each other out. But, it's still risky because if the ethanol got into your blood-stream first, you'd go blind before the deactivated charcoal could neutralize it. But, I'm not a medical professional so your best bet would be to call a local poison control center and see what they say. If you've already attempted this, you should probably go to the ER.

I'll rephrase the robot question: what task that you must usually do yourself and does not include masturbation or anything sexual would you have this robot do? Yes only one task. Abraham Lincoln and answer Formspring questions.

Do you always do the cookin' by the book? Oh, I get it. That's the Lazy Town song. Very clever. I don't hear references to that EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE. But, while we're on the subject:

Is anyone really lazy in Lazy Town? I mean besides Robbie Rotten or whatever his fucking name is. Lazy Town was recently coated with ashes so...they are all pretty lazy right now.

How is it that Stephanie is the mayor's niece? Really, that means at some point someone fucked a puppet and made some kind of half puppet mongrel child. Isn't that just fucking sick? Who are you to judge the love between a man and a puppet?

Who do you think would win in a fight between Mer-Man and the Little Mermaid? The Little Mermaid. Her dad is Poseidon or something, right? And Mer-Man is a wuss.

Do you think Mer-Man and He-man are related since they both have the same last name? Yes.

All right. That's all out of the way and now everyone can relax.