Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pastor Jones: Please Burn My Book!

Please! I need this!

For those of you who don't know, Pastor Terry Jones is the raving lunatic in Florida who earned far more attention that he was due by threatening to hold a public Koran burning. His church has 50 members or something, but SOMEHOW this guy got on the news and garnered the attention of some of the most powerful people in the world. Apparently, Jones thought the best way to show America-hating Islamists who burn our flag and effigies of our leaders that America is morally superior is to burn something they care about: a Koran. Not the flag of Taliban-controlled Afghanistan or an effigy of Osama Bin Laden--a Koran. This is the political equivalent to reacting to your girlfriend's infidelity by shooting her dog.

Whatever. I don't agree with Islam, but it is possible to disagree with something without lighting it on fire. I'm not here to explain why this is a stupid idea. I'm here to implore Pastor Jones to burn my book.

No, it's not out yet. I'm not even signed to a publisher. However, I am confident that if Pastor Jones PROMISES he will burn my book shortly after it's release, it won't take long for a publisher to contact my agent and make a substantial offer. Why? Because this would be great publicity. EVERYONE would be talking about my book. Newt Gingrich would weigh in on whether burning my book was a good idea. Sarah Palin would mispronounce my name. President Obama would implore Pastor Jones to not do this, citing something about the freedom of speech or whatever. I don't know if General Petreaus would get involved, but who knows...there might be some tactical loss to be had by a fifty-person cult of wackos dumping hardback copies of The Shadow of Tiamat on a bonfire.

Why would Pastor Jones want to burn my book? SO many reasons! I'll attempt to enumerate them without giving much away. First of all, it's about dragons. And, unlike the dragons Pastor Jones probably believes in, these dragons aren't minions of Satan. I'm portraying dragons inaccurately and therefore my book is an agent of evil propaganda...or eviloganda as I'm going to pretend it's called. So, that right there should be enough. My book represents the devil or something. You work it out, Pastor. I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. If that isn't enough, there is sex in the book. Premarital sex. Not a whole bunch, but enough that I've asked my mother not to read the book. And it's really in there, doesn't fade to black with them kissing and then, "The next morning, Meg couldn't walk.." No, sir: you know EXACTLY why Meg can't walk the next morning. And since Meg is a human and Garrett is a dragon, I guess that qualifies as some form of sexual perversion (though he is in human form at the time) and I'm sure you REALLY hate that.

Would that be beastiality? A human woman and a dragon man...and for which? The dragons are much smarter than humans so, technically, to them we're just clever animals. Spin it however you want...I'm sure you'll piece something together, Pastor Jones.

If that isn't enough to make you hate my book and all it stands for, let me go on: there is also an openly gay character, an inter-racial couple (besides the dragon+human...Yvonne's boyfriend Monroe is black), two girls kissing a little, women with tattoos, graphic violence and vampires. However, the vampires in my books don't sparkle: they kill children. What do you want? They're monsters!

Oh! OH! There is more! The title of the book references a pagan deity! Though the dragons don't worship her as a goddess, ancient humans certainly did. Or, at the very least they saw her as divine. So, there you go: my books are encouraging children to worship a pagan goddess. That alone should be sufficient for a book burning...but wait! Do you know who used to believe in Tiamat? The Sumerians! You know where they lived? Yup! THE MIDDLE EAST!!! This can't be a coincidence. I mean, it IS a coincidence...but it doesn't have to look like a coincidence! Drag a piece of chalk from Tiamat to Islam somehow! DO IT! Come on, you're a creative guy, Pastor Jones! You wrote a fantasy novel, too! I have faith in your hate and creativity.

This works for both of us, Pastor Jones. You get to unite your followers around something they all hate: my smutty, violent, dragon-and-evil filled urban fantasy/horror novel, and I get freakin' richer than Liberace. Hell, if this thing gets made into a movie, I will REIMBURSE you and your followers for every copy of the book you bought so you could burn it--with a receipt. So you have nothing to lose and I have everything to gain.

Please...PLEASE burn my book.