Friday, July 29, 2011

Raise the Derp Ceiling

The Tea Party
I don't normally discuss politics here, but I'm going to today. It appears the people we've elected to run our country are unable to run our country. Something that is normally routine and wholly innocuous has become mired in an artificial controversy by a vociferous minority of right-wing thugs hell bent on letting the country fall into complete economic turmoil just to prove that the President is a Kenyan-born Islamic-extremist with ties to radical left-wing subversives. Never mind how most of that shit is stupid and self-contradictory. That appears to be what they think. Whatever. I'm not a huge fan of President Obama either, but I don't have to make up insane nonsense to disagree with him.

This is, hands down, the best explanation of the whole thing I've found so far.

Yes, that was Randall. The Honey Badger guy.

But anyway, I have some experience dealing with irrational people. The problem here seems to be that one side is willing to make concessions and work through things with discussion and compromise--i.e., civilized democracy--while the other side is screaming as they yank their hair from the roots and hurl their feces about with reckless abandon. That's not hyperbole: I live near a Tea Party guy and I totally saw him doing that. Okay, in fairness, that was a lie. But the point is, we're dealing with unreasonable people who want unreasonable things.

So here is how I'd get the debt ceiling issue resolved: respond to the Tea Party's list of entirely unreasonable demands with my own list of EVEN MORE entirely unreasonable demands. The result of this would be one of the following: they refuse to compromise (which is what is happening anyway) or they settle somewhere in the middle...which is actually where you want them to be. What you don't do is keep trying to reason with them, because THAT WON'T WORK! You can't explain to a honey badger why he shouldn't attack moving cars, because honey badger doesn't give a shit! Therefore, I humbly submit to President Obama and the limp-wristed Democrats in congress the following list of insane and unreasonable demands which they should make in order to bring this damn thing to a positive solution:

  1. Alienate the South by banning all corn-based chips and non-diet soda at sporting events (including NASCAR, even though it isn't technically a sport)
  2. Don't just make gay marriage legal, make it MANDATORY.
  3. Declare Asatru the State religion, therefore changing the Federal no-mail day from Sunday to Wednesday
  4. Have Donald Trump SHOT (actually, this one isn't that unreasonable)
  5. Make saying "I could care less" and "irregardless" death penalty offenses.
  6. Put Snookie in charge of NASA.
  7. Require Marcus Bachman to watch The Broken Hearts Club with no bathroom breaks, and require he save all his comments and questions for the end.
  8. Force everyone working on the re-boot of Thundercats to stop what they're doing and get to work on a new season of The Pirates of Darkwater.
  9. Make this stop.
  10. Require Joe Walsh (R-IL) to pay his back child support.
  11. Destroy Idaho.
  12. Cancel American Idol and air re-runs of SOAP and M*A*S*H* in it's time slot.

See, once you respond with this, there is no way they can continue doing what they are doing. Because if they think you're even crazier than they are, they have no choice but to run away or attempt to become the reasonable one in the situation. It will work. I promise. BECAUSE HONEY BADGER DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!!!