Sunday, April 11, 2010

Things "They" Don't Want You To Know pt.1


Exhibit A - The Nanny and Who's the Boss? both existed in the same conceptual universe. Fran Fein was Tony Micelli's cousin. A lot of people have a hard time believing this, since the shows are so completely different.

Exhibit B - The show Maude never technically existed. Bea Arthur created the show to "sex up" her resume when she auditioned for The Golden Girls. When NBC found out the show never existed, they were mortified by their mistake and so hired a cast and filmed new "old" episodes of the show to make it seem like it actually existed. They then used special CIA designed, MK-ULTRA visual implants to make people who watched new episodes of the show think they remembered when the program was on the air. It's all a lie. There was never a show called Maude. 

Exhibit C - Gary Busey's teeth are strong enough to eat other teeth.

Exhibit D - Rosie O'Donnell was actually built in a lab by neo-conservatives in order to make liberals look bad. Originally, they planned to kill Michael Moore and replace him with a clone, but the male genitals disappeared from the lab shortly after a visit by well known neo-con actor Jon Voight. So they just painted the hair black and got rid of the beard (mostly) and there you go: Rosie O'Donnell-bot. Not to be outdone, liberal scientists promptly responded by constructing the Glenn Beck-bot.

Exhibit E - The White Stripes suck.

Exhibit F - Actor Peter Falk actually died sixty years ago. What most people know as the lovable start of Columbo and The Princess Bride is in fact a clever puppet constructed from a brown paper bag...much like the ones featured in the kind-of popular Fandango ads, only far more advanced and believable.