Sunday, July 3, 2011

Things Not to Do If You Find Yourself in a *BLANK* Movie... Part I

Things not to do if you find yourself MYSTERY movie.

1. If you wander onto the crime scene and see what looks like blood, it's probably blood. Your first instinct will be, if you're an idiot, to touch the blood then hold your quivering fingers up to your eyes and gaze at it in shock before following the trail to the exsanguinated remained of someone you might have motive to kill. Don't do this.

2. If you disregard rule number one, don't scream and run from the room, touching the door as you go. You'll just leave a bloody fingerprint for the police to find--and use as evidence against you--later on.

3. Don't touch the murder weapon. AT ALL. In fact, don't touch anything, but especially don't touch the bloody knife, discharged pistol, dented lead pipe or brain-matter splattered monkey wrench. The killer probably wore gloves so now your prints will be the one on the weapon and you'll get blamed for it.

4. Call the police immediately and report the crime. For the love of GOD, do NOT leave and call a friend or a family attorney or something and ask what to do. They are probably the one responsible for this and will advise you to hide the body under the pretense of helping you evade the inevitable suspicion that you did it. IT'S A TRAP, JACKASS!

5. Don't try to solve the murder yourself. You're not a detective. Unless you are a detective, in which case you should probably go on vacation or something and let another detective handle this one. You're just going to make yourself look guilty and/or attract the attention of the real killer, who will try to take you out.

6. If you have a lover, they probably did it.

7. DON'T TAKE A SHOWER!

8. Be wary of people who express sympathy for your loss. The second person who says to you something to the effect of "I'm so sorry this happened," is the ACTUAL murderer. Always. This is always the case. They did it. It's just how this shit works. Comforter number two = the killer.

9. When questioned by the police, DO NOT use the following phrase: "Sure, I hated him! But I didn't kill him!" Just don't. In fact, don't say anything. Just shut up and go home. BUT NO SHOWER! Not for a while.

10. If at some point you find yourself in a physical altercation with the real killer, and you manage to surprise him after running away by cold-cocking them with a lamp or vase or something, don't run off the second they hit the ground. They are going to get back up and keep coming. Continue beating them with whatever weapon you have--fire pokers seem to work, as murderers often have them around--until you see brain matter or stop seeing breathing...whichever comes first.