Hi, everyone! Well, things have been pretty exciting here for everyone in the Poindexter house! Echo moved out to go to law school and took her human Ross with her...or, maybe that was the other way around. I don't really know, all I know is they're both gone and I was sad for a while but now I'm feeling better. Ross is dad's best friend so he misses him. And Val moved away to go to college in some third world country called Arkansas. I hear they still eat their dead there. Hmmm...there has got to be some good news, too...OH! Dad got a publishing contract for his book! That's pretty awesome! Dad was so excited he drank five bottles of wine and threw up in the guest bathroom. Mom was PISSED! The bathroom still kind of smells like cheap red wine.
But whatever, you're not here to read about how my bathroom smells. You want a movie review. And so you shall have it! This week, hither came Conan the Barbarian! Obviously, my humans are both big fantasy fans so they were pretty excited about this. Therefore, so was I. Dad especially is a big Robert E. Howard fan, and a long time reader of Conan stories and his other work. Mom is so much into Conan, but she said she is a big fan of Jason Moamoa not wearing a shirt. So there was something for everyone.
I'm just going to come right out and say it. This movie was absolutely, one-hundred-percent solid...just okay. That's about the best I can say if forced to give it an overall review. The parts I liked about it I really, really liked...but the parts I didn't like were just kind of blah. Maybe I got too excited about this film going in, since it's been so long since they've done anything with Conan and dad kept going on about reviving the franchise and so on. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm not going to call this film a flop, but it isn't going to re-ignite a series of Conan films to rival the cult popularity of the original, Arnold Swartzewhatever films.
|Haters shall hateth!|
So, people who complain about the plot of the story being old...well, yeah. But you could say the same thing about Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or just about any western and not be far off. Just get over it. If it makes you feel any better, the movie spends exactly four non-consecutive minutes developing the plot. The rest of that is action. The movie is basically one long battle, punctuated by sparse moments of dialog, a couple of gags, some boobs, a creepy scene where a girl tries to seduce her dad, and Jason Moamoa's bare ass. The best I can tell, the underlying story goes like this: As a child, Conan witnesses bandit warlord Khalar Zym and his creepy daughter Marique and an ethnically diverse band of reavers kill Conan's father to get the last piece of this magic mask. They accidentally leave Conan alive after burning his village and go in search of this girl named Tamara, whose blood they need to activate the mask because she's the last of the Targaryens and she's the only one who can be the mother of dragons---you know what, it doesn't matter. You're not going to care, all that matters is Conan grows from a child-death machine into an adult-death machine in the time it takes Zym and his creepy daughter to track down Tamara, who is unaware of her significance to the plot of the story even as all her friends are killed. Lucky for her, Conan--who has been cruising around Hyborea becoming a total bad-ass--manages to pick up the scent of his father's killer right around the same time Zym and his legion of assholes raid the monastery where she's been living in hiding. Conan basically kills everything in a direct line between himself and Zym until he gets his revenge.
|GLEE IS ON!!!|
|You dare laugh at Conan's Shake Weight?|
|That's your dad...ew!|
Oh, and another thing...why the hell was this in 3D? It served absolutely no purpose at all. At no point did anything on the screen actually come out at you. And I would have noticed if it had, I'm a cat. I go crazy for that shit. No joke, if something moves I am all over it in a second. I've had to stop typing sixty-three times since starting this blog to chase stuff down and slap the hell out of it with my paws. The only part of the film where the 3D results in something noteworthy was the fire embers during the end credits. That was not worth the 3D upcharge, which was like five hundred dollars or something, I don't know I'm a cat I don't understand money.
|Hither comes Conan, baby!|
The narration at the beginning and end of the film is done by Morgan Freeman, which automatically makes it cool. And there are some very effective supporting performances by Ron Pearlman (Conan's father) and Stephen Lang (Zym). Rose McGowen is okay, if a little over the top. Still, its a fantasy film so what are you gonna do? Most impressive of the smaller performances was the kid they got to play young Conan. He captured Momoa's mannerisms and poise perfectly. He really looked and acted like a younger version of the character we saw grow into the oily death puppet we watch hack and slash through the rest of the film.
|Conan finds Rick Perry's closet|
|My name is Conan Montoya...|