Saturday, April 28, 2012

How to Have Fun Getting Kicked Out of a Strip Club

1. Tip dancers with Monopoly money.

2. Arrive wearing dark sunglasses and sporting a cane. Pretend to be blind. Between dances, throw a wad of cash onto the empty stage and shout, "PEEL IT ALL OFF, YOU FILTHY BITCH!"

3. Bring bag of quarters. Make it hail.

4. Stand at end of stage in a motorcycle helmet, gesturing with flashlights in each hand like a runway director during performance.

Like this
5. Arrive with a male ventriloquist's dummy and insist that all tips and lap dances be dispensed through him. Halfway into the night, have another friend arrive with a female dummy and, upon locating you and the male dummy, shout "You two timing son-of-a-bitch!" Have male dummy react in suitably shocked manner (i.e., rapid head shaking, eyes wide, mouth agape, etc.)

6. After a dance, follow a stripper into the ladies room. Attempt to watch. When she voices a complaint, say "It's a little late for that, don't you think?"

7.  Print up business cards for your hilariously named abortion clinic. Distribute them with tips for the dancers. Offer a referral or bulk discount.

8. Tip the DJ $100 to play Butterfly Kisses for every dance for the rest of the night. Be sure to have your own copy of the song handy in the highly likely event that he doesn't have one of his own.

9. Point directly at a dancer's crotch and scream "PEEEEENIS!"

10. Wet pants during lap dance.