Stuff You Should Read: Blog Posts by Lynn Rush, Andrew Wood, Fred Doss and Randy Turner.

Tiamat wills you to read these blogs. You know how she gets...

This first one is my friend and fellow Crescent Moon Press author Lynn Rush. She's guest blogging at Writer's Digest about cross-gender POV. And be sure to check out her awesome new book Wasteland!

This next one is by a new friend, British writer Andrew Wood. He's been super supportive since meeting just days ago on a Mark Charan Newton fan page. This particular post is about one of my favorite subjects...ME!

Next up is my actor friend Fred Doss. Fred and I go waaaaay back--we went to college together, longer ago than either of us would care to admit. Anyway, he's been doing this blog run where he watches a new movie every day for a year and posts about it. Check it out.

And finally: Randy Turner is a fellow Joplin author and educator. He co-authored 5:41: Stories from the Joplin Tornado, which is on my to-read list and, if you're interested in the devastation many of us lived through, should be on yours as well.

Okay, I guess I should also blow my own horn a little. Here is a guest post by yours truly on the Crescent Moon Press blog.

I'll do another one of these in a week or so, showcasing blogs by friends and people I follow.

From Formspring: Do you ever worry about coming off as too preachy in your writing? (note: not an insult)

Do you mean in my blogs or my books? If you mean my blogs, then yes: I am occasionally concerned that I might alienate readers--and potential buyers--when I take a stand on something. However, I learned a long time ago that no matter how hard you try, people are going to read whatever message into what you've said that the want to find. So, you're better off just saying what you want to say. I can tell someone I respect their intelligence even though I don't agree with their position, and if they want to think I'm being condescending or preachy that's what they are going to think anyway.

As for my books, I try very hard not to put any kind of political or social message into them. This isn't that difficult with the Dragon's Blood Chronicles, but I sometimes find it harder to do with Max's books. Max has a certain outlook on the world that is colored by his experiences from doing social work in Southwest Missouri. In either case, I'm not writing books to make a political or social point, I'm just trying to tell a story. I am guessing people might take one away from it, but the world in my books is only superficially like the real one. My books have dragons living in mansions in the woods and vampire meth-dealers. It's fantasy, not what I think the world is really like.

From Formspring: How many easter eggs do you include in your books?

I like to write an entire series ahead of time, which allows me to plan things well in advance. The significance of certain details in the first book aren't revealed until much later in the series. I don't know that I've ever taken a count, but it's my hope that readers will find things in later books and remember, "Oh, that's what that meant!"

Of course, this only works in moderation. If you keep overloading readers with references to subtle details in earlier books, they will eventually stop reading you. I've been told one of the strengths of my writing is that it is involving, but approachable. You don't have to learn a new fantasy language to figure out what's going on, or consult a massive concordance or keep doing Wikipedia searches every few paragraphs. I know there are readers who actually prefer that level involvement with their books, and I think people who enjoy that will find much in my work to keep them busy. But, at it's core, I'm just trying to tell a good story.

I'm not Ernest Hemingway or Frank Herbert. They were titanic authors who wrote timeless stories. The mere presence of their name on a work of literature is enough to attract an audience. I'm confident about my work, but I'm not going to impose too much on my readers. In other words, I assume that I have to earn their interest; it's not just a given like one of the above-mentioned great writers. I think the worst thing a writer can do is fall too in love with their own work. It's important that a writer enjoy what they write, and write what they enjoy...but equally important is to remember you have to earn a reader's trust and respect with your writing. Make them work too hard for it, and you take the fun out of it. People don't mind reading James Thurber or Franz Kafka with a concordance or online encyclopedia nearby. They won't be so patient with a less known writer like me.

On the other hand, there are a few things in my books that I keep hidden from most people. I do this for fun, and also to see if anyone picks up on them. I'll admit that it will be quite a rush to see people try to figure out what a certain character's name means, or if there is any significance to seemingly innocuous details. Some of these secrets I may share when the books come out. Others, I may keep to myself and a small circle for my friends.

Why? Because it's fun, that's why.

From Formspring: If they made a live action remake of The Brave Little Toaster, who would you cast in the lead roles? And as who?

Good question.

I've put a lot of thought into this, and decided this would be a digitally animated picture, somewhere in the league of Toy Story or Wal-E. So, really all we have to cast are the voices. To that end, I humbly offer the following casting choices:

The Brave Little Toaster - Bobcat Goldthwait, though he'd have to start doing cocain again.
Donkey Moses - Ice-T. He has donkey acting experience. Also, I heard somewhere he's Jewish. I'm pretty sure that isn't true but...it's funnier if I pretend it is.
Hitler - Gary Burghoff. I think he's due.
RoboShark 3000 - Gary Busey. Don't question me on this.
Refrigerator Perry - As himself, though actually a refrigerator. Which, to my understanding, he is not in real life. It was just a nickname...which doesn't make any sense, because I've never known refrigerator's to be very good at basketball. He played what? Football? Whatever, I don't care. He has a funny nickname so we're using him.
Father Pickle - Glenn Danzig. I don't want to get sued by Veggie Tales for this, so I'm casting the exact opposite of someone they'd ever cast to voice a Christian cucumber.
Toobie, the Stuttering Pedophile - Orson Wells. I don't care if he's dead, just splice shit together from Citizen Kane!
Napoleon Dynamite - Jon Heder. Why is he even in this movie? Because Tiamat wills it, that's why! Who are you to defy Tiamat? Nobody, that's who. Now sit down and read the rest of the blog!
Corky the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Baby Cyborg - Toby Keith. I figure he is qualified for this, since he actually has fetal alcohol syndrome. Not sure about the cyborg part, but I hear he's made some movies so...we all know he can act. I mean, they don't just let any stupid jackass star in a movie, do they?
Megatron - Frank Welker. As it should always fucking be.
Rape Duck - We don't need an actor for Rape Duck, just a dubbed quack from an actual duck. It might be more authentic if we find a duck who has actually attempted to rape someone.
Mamma Bes - That lady from What's Happening? I don't remember her name and I'm too lazy to look it up on IMDB.
Teddy Roosevelt - We'd just use a computer voice for this one, because that is actually how he sounded. Not many people know this, but Teddy was a robot. Prove he wasn't. I dare you.

Guns vs. Monsters Repost

The attached blog was originally posted on my old Myspace blog, 8/20/2009. It was part of my series of blogs about firearm selection against monsters. It was the last one, though I've been asked to do more. It's about demons. Note: this blog is purely for entertainment purposes. I do NOT believe in demons, so I am NOT encouraging anyone to stockpile weapons and go demon hunting. That would be...that would be just so stupid.

Tonight, we discuss demons...

You've got a problem, and it isn't a small one. For one reason or another, you have decided to fight demons. I don't know if you are crazy, stupid, brave or all three...

Demons range in size and power so we'll have to adapt some general categories:

Imp class: About the size and weight of a monkey, these demons aren't very powerful, but they are fast and mean. They rely heavily on guile and speed, and are often found in the service of more powerful demons or other monsters. When they serve humans, generally they try to pull the strings of their master to seduce them towards greater evil. Typical powers include shape-shifting (into small animals like cats and dogs), invisibility, flight (w/ wings), venomous or diseased bit, and a few other.. Though physically weak, they can be savage enemies in a fight. Imagine getting into a fight with a spider monkey. You'd probably win, but the monkey would bite the shit out of you.

Gargoyle class: This is the basic, run-of-the mill demon. They are roughly human sized, give or take a foot, but weigh considerably more. They are very powerful, but most of their strength lies in sheer brute force. They don't normally have as many powers are other demons, but they make up for it with a willingness to use human weapons, from swords and axes to firearms. They can sometimes shape-shift into a human. Some can remain motionless for days at a time, causing people to think they are statues. If they have wings, they can fly. This is the most common demon.

Balrog class: These are the big boys. They are over 12 feet tall and outweigh humans by a ton or more. Though unbelievably strong and durable, they tend to have powers in addition to brute smashing/slashing power. They are usually the leaders among demons, for no other reason than they are bigger. Though many of them are intelligent, there are several who are little more than marauding beasts. Powers include energy manipulation/generation (usually fire), teleportation, and (if they have wings) flight. Most of them can take a human form, though the don't like to. They will sometimes be encountered with lesser demons, usually a few dozen gargoyle class demons.

Azezel class: These demons don't have a physical form in our world. They must possess a human (or animal) body to survive. The possessed one is called a host. The results of this possession vary, but in general they are able to hide out and pretend to be that person. Usually when possessing a body, they invest it with some of their power. The possessed body becomes stronger and harder to kill. If the host is killed, the demon has to find a new body. They are not particular about hosts, so long as it aides their end. Powers include telekinesis, illusions, summoning vermin (in swarms) and climbing walls. Killing the host expels the demon, but it can posess someone else...though it has a limited amount of time to do so before it is destroyed or forced from this plane. 

Pazuzu subclass: A variant of the azezel class, this is a demon that posesses a body for no other reason than to torment the host or people who care about the host. Unlike the azazel class demon, for the pazuzu class demon possession is the end, not the means. They enjoy disfiguring their host, and using their powers to irritate others--making them very annoying. They tend to start out slow with the pranks and such, gradually increasing their activity until they become violent. At this stage, they are very dangerous. Killing the host usually solves the problem, but this generally isn't a desirable end. Unlike Azezel class demons, more than one Pazuzu can possess a single host. This is called the Legion Effect. It is not common, as it requires demons to cooperate towards a single end: something they aren't very good at by their nature.

Demogorgon class: Forget about it! These are HUGE demons, like T-rex size or BIGGER. They are roving Armageddons...they eat cities and shit apocalypse. These demons don't usually come to our plane unless they have a DAMN bad reason. These guys go toe-to-toe with dragons and gods. Powers include a million and one ways to fuck you up beyond recognition. The only gun I'd recommend against THIS kind of demon is a one with a barrel you can fit into your mouth.


Demons are NASTY monsters. They live for blood, mayhem and chaos. They don't have to kill to feed like vampires or zombies, and they aren't mindless animals like werewolves. They kill and torture for fun. They like it, its in their nature. They may have lofty goals and aspirations, but at every demon's core is a desire to kill. If you find yourself in a fight with one--whether because you've challenged them or they've attacked you--you are now in a fight for your life against a monster that will do anything to win. They will torture school children to lure you out of hiding, rip through a bus-load of people to get to you, strap c-4 to a baby and throw it into a playground full of cancer-stricken children as a distraction, use senior citizens as meat shields, kick kittens with impunity...the worst shit you can think of (and a lot of stuff you can't), nothing is too vile or inhumane for a demon.

This article will primarily discuss gargoyle and balrog class demons. Azazel and pazuzu class demons are vulnerable to whatever kills a human or animal of the same size. Imp class demons aren't usually very tough...the hard part is hitting them. It matters less what you shoot them with.

When dealing with any class above imps, fast and heavy damage is the order of the day. Demons don't have the same physical limitations as humans. They have powerful bodies with dense flesh. They do not fall over from a gut shot and whine for an ambulance...unless they are trying to trick you into getting closer so they can snap off your head.

Massive damage from a firearm can be accomplished in a number of ways. The most common (and, in most people's opinion, fun) manner of doing this a wave of automatic weapon fire. You can also use a big enough round to make a huge hole, or use an explosive. Submachineguns aren't going to cut it...the lighter handgun rounds these weapons use are just going to bounce off the demon like pebbles. They might sting the demon...and you don't want to sting a demon without being able to kill it.

You need a round that has been proven effective against armored enemies, but armor piercing rounds tend to over-penetrate, doing very little damage compared to soft or hollow point rounds. So, you need a healthy balance. This is where I would LOVE to suggest one of my favorite rifles of all time, the M14...





...but I won't. Yes, the 7.62x51mm (aka .308 Winchester) is the preferred round for small-arm demon fighting...but the M14 is big and unwieldy. Unless you're willing to modify your M14 with a synthetic, collapsible stock (commercially available) the big classic rifle isn't going to be a good choice.

Enter the FN-SCAR-H..





Holy shit...coolest rifle ever! It comes in more than one caliber, but as far as I'm concerned once you've chambered something in 7.62x51 you'd might as well just leave the others on the rack. The stock is adjustable, and it can fold for easy carrying:






In addition to packing an ass-whomping round, this incredible rifle can be outfitted with a specially made grenade launcher:




Behold, the FN SCAR-H in all its ass-whomping bad-assitude!

The SORD tactical agents in my book series carry these...without the grenade launchers, usually.

So, against demons this is the way to go. It has the rapid fire capabilities, heavy round stopping power, and the ability to launch grenades.

You're going to need a handgun. Why? Sometimes you need a backup weapon. Other times, you want to shoot a demon up close where a rifle isn't practical. Sometimes...you just run out of rifle rounds and have to fall back on the handgun.

Think back to the article about werebeasts. You're going to need something capable of killing a demon hard and fast. You'll also want something small enough to carry around. on your belt or hip.

Behold, the Super Redhawk Alaskan in .454 Casull




This is a bear gun. It was designed for use by Alaskan river fishers, who frequently share the water with big kodiak bears. The bears usually don't mind sharing the water, and attacks are infrequent. However, no one wants to be that close to one of nature's oldest killing machines without some kind of protection. Since bears are FAST, the weapon of choice for dealing with one has to be small enough to carry comfortably but powerful enough to kill it with one hit.

This will not be your primary defense against the demon. You will have to get close to use it--too close. It is a last resort. A revolver is fine for this, since you don't need to be able to reload your backup weapon quickly. As I said, you won't be depending on this until the last minute, or to finish off a downed enemy. It packs a lot of recoil, and with the short barrel and short sight radius it won't be very accurate out past a dozen yards. But it will kill a kodiak bear...so it'll probably kill a demon up to gargoyle class...maybe a balrog.

That's how you kill a demon.

From Formspring: What is your biggest pet peeve? Something that makes you want to pull your hair out?

Use of the following alleged words or phrases:

Irregardless - NOT a WORD!

Could Care Less - It's "couldn't care less." If you COULD care less, it means you care to some degree.

At this point in time - Unless you are giving a lecture on temporal physics, don't say this.

Get-r-done - Was never funny.

More/Most Unique - Unique means one of a kind, nothing else like it. Something is either unique or not.

Mankind - I don't give a rats ass about political correctness, but it annoys me when people say this when they could easily say "humankind."

Antisocial - Commonly misused when people mean asocial, as in refusing to socialize. An asocial person stays in his room during the party. An antisocial person burns down the house.

Ask me anything

From Formspring: Do you ever get creative ideas or a good wording for something right as you're going to sleep? If so, do you wake up and write them out, or do you go to sleep and try to remember them later?

Yes, but I tend to get them while I'm driving. I don't know why, that's just when they come to me. I can usually remember them well enough later, but I have a little note-pad in my truck in case I need to jot it down.

The kind of things that come to me that way tend to be the jokes or humorous situations I sometimes put characters in. In you put a lot of time and effort into creating a character, they eventually take on a life of their own. At that point, random thoughts and situations pop into your head.

For example, in my first book Meg invites some of her friends to a birthday party at Garrett Terago's house. Dragons don't really celebrate their birthday, so this is something new to him. He invites a couple of his dragon friends (no one but Meg knows they are actually dragons) but some unexpected guests arrive. Because this is a kind of fancy party (Garrett has a HUGE house) everyone is dressed very nice. Meg's room mate Yvonne is wearing a very small, skimpy dress that looks like it came out of a tube. When Xyus--one of the uninvited dragon guests--sees Yvonne, he comments that this is going to be a good party: Terago hired a stripper.

Yvonne's reaction to this is priceless, and one of my favorite scenes in the book. And it practically wrote itself, based on the personality I'd given Yvonne and how I believe a real woman like her would react to being mistaken for a stripper at a party by a very rich, very handsome stranger.

I'm not going to tell you what she says, but it's cute.

Ask me anything

Blog Name Change

I decided to change the name of my blog. Why? Well, the previous name: Sean Writes Things struck me as a little presumptuous. I figured it would be better to name my blog something a little less self-important.

So, it's King of the Dragons. No presumption there.

Other possible choices included:

My Dragon can Beat-up Your Vampire (Still like this one...)
South of Heaven (Too Slayer)
Willkommen im Drachekopf (German for Welcome to the Dragonhead...I think.)
Face the Blog that Should Not Be! (Too Lovecraftian...not that that is a bad thing)
The Lex Draconic (Doesn't really make sense unless you've read the books)  


Anyway, it'll be King of the Dragons until I think of something more entertaining.

Anonymous Formspring Fun is Back...Mostly

Due to overwhelming (and persuasive) demand, I am now re-allowing anonymous queries through my Formspring account. However, there is a caveat: you must sign-in to leave a question, which you can do with your Facebook account--but you can ask questions anonymously. So, I won't know who you are, unless you choose to leave your name.

If the offending party returns and starts talking shit, I can block him/her/it even if I don't know who I'm blocking. This way, everyone get's what they want: my friends get to keep asking me if I'd ever have sex with a girl while dressed as Count Chocula; and I don't have to deal with trolls and morlocks who can't let things go after so many freakin' years.

To the latter I say, "Grow up and move on," and to the former I say, "I don't think I could get the teeth right."

So, let the goofiness resume!

Things "They" Don't Want You To Know pt.1

 MEDIA LIES

Exhibit A - The Nanny and Who's the Boss? both existed in the same conceptual universe. Fran Fein was Tony Micelli's cousin. A lot of people have a hard time believing this, since the shows are so completely different.

Exhibit B - The show Maude never technically existed. Bea Arthur created the show to "sex up" her resume when she auditioned for The Golden Girls. When NBC found out the show never existed, they were mortified by their mistake and so hired a cast and filmed new "old" episodes of the show to make it seem like it actually existed. They then used special CIA designed, MK-ULTRA visual implants to make people who watched new episodes of the show think they remembered when the program was on the air. It's all a lie. There was never a show called Maude. 

Exhibit C - Gary Busey's teeth are strong enough to eat other teeth.

Exhibit D - Rosie O'Donnell was actually built in a lab by neo-conservatives in order to make liberals look bad. Originally, they planned to kill Michael Moore and replace him with a clone, but the male genitals disappeared from the lab shortly after a visit by well known neo-con actor Jon Voight. So they just painted the hair black and got rid of the beard (mostly) and there you go: Rosie O'Donnell-bot. Not to be outdone, liberal scientists promptly responded by constructing the Glenn Beck-bot.

Exhibit E - The White Stripes suck.

Exhibit F - Actor Peter Falk actually died sixty years ago. What most people know as the lovable start of Columbo and The Princess Bride is in fact a clever puppet constructed from a brown paper bag...much like the ones featured in the kind-of popular Fandango ads, only far more advanced and believable.

No More Anonymous Formspring Qustions

I appreciate that my friends have all have a very weird sense of humor; that's why they are my friends. And the insane questions are pretty amusing...

...those are fine. Weird, but amusing. And I can usually figure out who is asking them based on the kind of humor indicative of a particular friend. For example, the pants question comes from my brother Joe, who is referencing an episode of The Simpsons  where Krusty becomes a smokey-stage comedian telling edgy jokes. He talks about how much he hates money, and then ushers his audience to burn their money. At his next show, Homer is excited because he hopes Krusty will ask them to burn their pants. When his bit starts and he doesn't immediately go to the burning of things, Homer shouts, "Don't you hate pants!?" This has become a running joke for us. Once, when my good friend Ross' band was playing, between songs I shouted, "Don't you hate pants?" No one seemed to get it, but Joe and I thought it was funny.

Unfortunately, strangers have begun asking hurtful questions. Not very often, but enough that it's getting annoying. So, I'm not allowing anonymous questions on Formspring anymore. From now on, you will have to sign in to Formspring with your Facebook account and leave your name. That way if you ask something I find offensive, I can block any further questions from you. I'm not going to lie and say these kinds of questions don't hurt my feelings a little, but that isn't the main reason why I'm doing it. I'm just tired of seeing them.

So, there is that.

I really do enjoy the Formspring questions about my books and writing, and hope those will continue. And I like the goofy questions from my friends. I even answer a few of them. Even the ones I don't answer, I usually find amusing. I'm pretty tolerant of quirkiness, but I'm also smart enough to know when I'm being asked a silly question by a friend, and an offensive question by a troll with nothing better to do than harass someone they don't know.

Sorry if this came off as preachy, but it had to be said.